Paranormal scientist defends paranormal science (Monologue)

Hello! I am Victor Pang and I am a paranormal scientist. It took me so long to post this speech because my laptop has been very slow, the ghosts are preventing me from writing this. After wearing my anti-ghost repellent beads and closing 500 tabs on Internet Explorer, I am finally able to post this. I am glad those my anti-ghost repellent beads!

Now, you ask me, “what is a ghost?” Well, it is some kind of spirit. I hope that clarifies.

Ghosts are real, let me prove this to you. Last night, I saw a puddle of water on the table and then the next day, the water was gone. It must be the work of some thirsty ghost. Hmm, it looks like you still don’t get it. Let me give you another example! I went to the office at 9am, and then when I left at 8pm, it was dark. See, the ghosts have risen to cloud over us at about 7-ish everyday.

I know they are real because I have seen ghosts and even spiritual entities. I have seen Buddha, Mother Mary, God, Angels, Lord Shiva, and the list runs on. I know I have seen them because they always come at a very precise timing of 3am in the morning, dressed in black with a mask on and about to leave my window. I also know it is true because these spirits have been coming into my house more and more frequently now. Weirdly enough, my money has also been disappearing fast. There’s no way we can explain that, it is just one of the many spiritual wonders of the universe.

I don’t believe in this mainstream scientific method. What is this mainstream scientific method but making guesses and testing the guesses over and over again to ensure reliability? If you are truly reliable, you just need to test it once without putting it in other conditions. You know, not everything can be explained by science. Some stuff is just simply supernatural. When someone asks me, “why do magnet attract?’ I must speak from my heart. It’s two horny ghosts having sex.

Instead of subscribing to the mainstream scientific method, I have established mine. The framework of my scientific method comes from Stephen King’s novels. I cross check my research by posting them on Facebook to my like-minded friends who support my views and then block them if they say otherwise. I am not going to be under the tyranny of mainstream science! You are entitled to your own facts! I don’t need mainstream propaganda science to force facts down my throat. What? Now, you are going to tell me that I need sustenance to live. No, thank you. I choose to believe that humans can live purely based on sunlight.

If you are like me who believes in paranormal science and would like to hire my services, I charge at £40 per hour excluding overtime fees. For more information about what I do please contact me at 1800-SCAM-SCAM-SCAM. Alternatively, you can also visit this website: https://www.askforevidence.org/index

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.