Choose your own adventure- Hales Place house party

Image courtesy of: geograph.org

Your Mission: To attend a house party at Hales Place.

You have been invited to a house party at Hales Place on Facebook. Do you choose to accept this mission?

1. You respond, “Going.”

2. You respond, “Not Going.”

3. You respond, “Interested.”

If you choose option 1, go to the next question. If you choose option 2, you can spend the night watching an episode of “The Inbetweeners” with takeaway from Chop Chop. If you choose option 3, there is a special place in hell for you.

You choose option 1.

It is 9pm, half an hour after the party has started because university social conventions frown upon punctuality. But you are in your Primark onesie. What do you do?

1. Stay in your onesie and make up an excuse for not showing up.

2. Get up and get changed.

If you choose option 1, your social capital has decreased faster than your loans from student finance. If you choose option 2, go to the next question.

You choose option 2.

You leave the house and it starts to rain. What do you do?

1. Use your outerwear as an umbrella.

2. Go home.

If you choose option 1, go to the next question. If you choose option 2, you are now at home lying in your bed naked with the radiator on.

You choose option 1.

You have reached the notorious path at Hales Place, don’t act like you don’t know the one. It is dark and scary. What do you do?

1. Keep on walking.

2. You say, “I’m not going to die tonight. I have a T24 rehearsal next week.”

If you choose option 1, go to the next question. If you choose option 2, you are now the president of T24.

You choose option 1.

You are walking along the path; you hear eerie footsteps. Stories of stabbings along this path spring into your mind. What do you do?

1. Ignore the footstep and walk faster.

2. You squeeze your butthole so tight and then you let out a gigantic pungent fart from the cheese and onion pasty you had earlier today.

If you choose option 1, you have developed Usain Bolt’s gift of running and evaded the attacker successfully. If you choose option 2, you let out a fart so pungent that it startles the knife-wielding assailant, and you leave them rolling around on the floor, clawing at their nose, screaming “OH GOD, THE HUMANITY”. Either way you win, go on to the next question.

You choose option 2.

For some weird reason, you are still going to the party. Look, we need to ask you something personal. Are you:

1. Trying to hook-up with someone at the party?

2. Trying to show your friends that even though you exclusively eat pot noodles and submit everything on turninit one minute before the deadline that you still have some ounce of responsibility by showing up to one social gathering.

You choose option 2.

You are walking along the hilly paths of Hales place. You forgot you are supposed to bring your own drinks. What do you do?

1. Use your last 5% of your phone battery to google, “shops near me”?

2. Just show up to the party.

If you choose option 1, go to the next question. If you choose option 2, be prepared to think, “Wow, I can’t socialise like this sober. I just don’t have it in me to say, ‘oh my god, I love you babes!’ multiple times through the night.”

You choose option 1.

It turns out in the whole damn Hales Place that is light-years away from town, there is only one sad ass convenience store! So, you are at One-Stop trying to buy some alcohol. A lady with blonde hair, and electric blue eye-shadow asks if you want to buy some crack. You say:

1. Yes, because the only drug usage knowledge you know of is from Netflix’s “Pablo Escobar” and that show seems pretty cool and culturally unproblematic.

2. No because that weird theatre troupe who presented an anti-drugs play during one of your secondary school assemblies made a long-lasting impact on you.

If you choose option 1, continue to the next question. If you choose option 2, you should consider that you are too easily manipulated- stay in drugs, don’t do school!

You choose option 1 because the effects of theatre or other art forms are often ephemeral, and you are a white person in this mission.

Unfortunately, the girl was performing a sting operation. The police come and arrest you. Do you:

1. Use your last 3% of battery to call the host to apologise for not making it.

2. Call your housemate instead because they can bail you out of jail.

You choose option 1. Wow. Really? Okay. You’re just digging your own grave.

You call the host and he is too drunk to process anything you said. He said, “Oh dear. Drink plenty of water. Hope you get well soon!” And now, you’re in jail.

You have just received a last-minute house party invitation at CT3 8JS. Do you accept?

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.