Top moustaches for Movember

Image courtesy of Wix

During the month of November, those of us capable of growing a moustache will attempt to add some warmth to our faces in aid of raising money for Movember. Allow me to propose a scenario: you’re talking to a friend of yours and they’re like, “hey, do you know all the different types of moustaches?” and you’re like, “there are different types of moustaches?” Then they look at you with disgust and disappointment, and then never talk to you again and then slowly, one by one, all of your friends start alienating you and when you asked them if they wanted to see the Joker, they say they’re busy, but then you see them all walk out of the Odeon with those Joker posters. And now you’re “accidentally” bumping into people on the street out of sheer desperation for the warm touch of another human being. Has this ever happened to you? Well, it’s time to get your friends back pal – here is a list of some types of moustaches to get, getting you ready for the glorious month of Movember.

Image courtesy of Wix

First up, the classic, ‘no-moustache moustache’. This is when a person has no moustache. That's it.

Second, ‘the chevron’. This moustache is thick and covers the top lip. It’s pretty easy to maintain apparently. This moustache only needs to be trimmed every now and again and was popularised by cool-guy Tom Selleck.

Third we have ‘the English moustache’. This moustache requires more grooming than ‘the chevron’. It has longer hairs and is parted in the middle with a slight curve up on both sides.

Fourth – , ‘the pencil moustache’. I have no idea why people go for this one but, you do you, man. ‘The pencil’ is very thin and lines the upper lip. This takes a lot of attention to produce and maintain. Popularised by film stars Clark Gable and Errol Flynn, this moustache is for those going for a vintage look.

Fifth -‘the walrus’. Popular in the 19th century and early 20th century, this moustache is basically ‘the chevron’ squared. It’s thicker, sometimes so thick it covers the whole mouth. According to TheTrendSpotter, ‘the walrus’ takes about five months to grow. But, as you can clearly see, it is well and truly worth the wait, but maybe the end of the month will come too soon for you to grow it during Movember.

Sixth up – ‘the Dali moustache’. It was inspired by the famous Spanish surrealist artist that we all know and love, Salvador Dali. This moustache has its ends defying the laws of gravity by standing upright. Honestly, it's the coolest thing you could do with your face.

And finally, we’re saving the best for last - . The ‘Henry Cavil in Mission: Impossible Fallout moustache'. It's the moustache Henry Cavil has in the movie Mission: Impossible Fallout. It’s the best because – well, just look at it. Look at his friggin’ face, good god.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.