The crisis on campus

Image courtesy of Wix

I have sat on this for far too long and now is the right time to come forward. It is an injustice that runs right to the very core of the University of Kent and it needs to be stopped.

As a child of the West country, I have been raised to favour and enjoy cider, and aside from this I despise beer, mostly because it is bitter to a needless extent and practically undrinkable. Often when my friends and I are watching football on campus we will have a drink or two during the game. However, when you aren’t intending to go out afterwards consumption of the beverage is more for pleasure than for anything else, so there is no need for anything but taste that needs to be taken into account. Last year this was not an issue as all campus bars had Strongbow and Strongbow Dark Fruits on tap, so if alcohol tickled my fancy then that was no problem as that doesn’t taste like the person brewing it hates me.

However, this year that all changed with the introduction of Stowford Press…

Since campus bars changed from Strongbow to Stowford Press going to on campus socials or watching the football has become a minefield. At first, I was open to the change and would try the “mixed fruits” as they called it, “mixed disappointment” would be a more apt description, but I suppose that’s why I don’t work in their marketing department. I tried it on a few occasions until I finally broke and succumbed to the words of wisdom that Jez offered me in Peep Show, “it’s not really delicious, like hot chocolate or coke, but for wine.” Obviously, I’m not drinking wine, but the point still stands. With his inspirational words in my ear I decided to just have a coke whilst watching football instead. I fear that my friends were not fooled when I returned to our table with the quip that, “my Guinness is a bit flat.” Mostly because I am very obviously not a Guinness person, but also because that obviously was not the case. I don’t begrudge people for drinking beer, if they hate themselves than that is their prerogative, but what I do dislike is the condescension directed towards any other drink. It was bad enough when I was having cider, but the beer drinkers are ruthless when I challenge their supremacy and deride my fizzy drink.

The purpose of my tale of woe is to illustrate that this injustice needs to change. There are bigger issues out there than this but that does not mean that nothing should be done. I will not stay silent any longer, we will end the filthy capitalism and penny pinching that has led to me having to choose between saving face and having a drink that doesn’t make me physically ill. Kent Union have blood on their hands, and it needs to change.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.