Everything is fine now that the Clown Posse are here

By Tahmid Morshed

Image courtesy of Pxfuel

So recently, a bunch of things has happened meaning things are either great or they aren’t depending on who you are, but I’m here to reassure you that things are fine. Although the title is somewhat distressing, remain calm when I tell you things are okay. I sound a tad bit alarmist here and it’s barely the third sentence so I’ll say things to make you realise things are all better.

A bunch of people with funny hair and words have been saying allegedly bad things but it’s okay to realise that these people, the aforementioned Clown Posse, are good for society. They have cool hair, cool words and seem like real people you can share a pint with. Real positive vibes. I mean sure, a few people lose out in unfortunate ways because of them but it’s really just their fault for not believing hard enough in it all. Instead, you have to remember the positives like the stock market going up and that some Australian kid got to go to a rugby match. Honestly, all the naysaying and false truths about this perfect reality need to be culled from society but that’s an issue for another time.

Besides, things have been fine and dandy in the world. Crime is dropping (except near me) and quality of life is increasing (except around me). What’s not to love? Well, except the weird shift towards “scary” politics by nit-picking experts but we can ignore that. What has politics ever done for us?

But apart from minor issues like that, it’s looking pretty sunshine and gold for everyone. You can open your curtains and see kittens flying across rainbows while hearing Enya performing live right on your doorstep. The world is basically utopia at this point. Plato predicted we’d evolve to this stage and we truly have. Minus the people in precarious situations in the world but it’s really just fine.

Finally, we have to remember that things genuinely are all good. I woke up yesterday and found a four-leaf clover by a lucky horseshoe before winning a million pounds on the lottery. Then I went on to berate the project fear fools while being happy I could now afford cornflakes. Well, I wish that happened.

This message has been brought to you by the Clown Posse Foundation.

P.S. I have written this last part at a very real risk for my life. Food has become expensive recently. Rent went up. Boss cut my hours. Oh my god, everything isn’t good.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.