Welcome Back to Satire!

By Tahmid Morshed and Aedan Weston

Hello. Good Morning. Good Evening. Good whatever it is. This is an unimportant announcement for you.

Satire is back. There’s new management.

Now, it is time to delve into the state of affairs. What does this mean for everyone? It means absolutely nothing. Or something. Over the apocalypse, Satire has undergone a renaissance, there’s two of us running the thing now. One for the online stuff (Tahmid), and one for the offline stuff (Aedan). The InQuire Department of Satire (DoS), simply being the greatest representative of the student body, has some pledges for you and we aim to achieve all of them.

As you’ve heard, students are being locked in due to the ongoing apocalypse and things are seeming pretty dire. People can’t go out or do anything, especially here in our own home grounds of Canterbury. We’ve heard reports of students only getting a shoddy sandwich and a mushy banana for food and it is simply too much to bear. We promise to rectify this by sending all students two whole bananas, a deluxe sandwich and a bottle of mineral water.

Society has also run into this thing called the “6 person rule” which is inherently ridiculous. The rules from the government are unclear and hazy. Furthermore, it facilitates exclusionary behaviour to certain people and that is simply unacceptable! Fear not, the boffins at DoS HQ have solved this. The DoS will allow 6.5 people to meet so you can have 13 people meet instead of 12. Sometimes, the intellect over here at HQ is astonishing.

After meticulous planning and careful decision making, we at the DoS have decided to perform a holy ritual in unison across the city! Our chosen plant in the ritual is a hop. This is fitting because it represents the city’s bustling, bubbly, alcoholic culture… they can also be found everywhere here, so it makes our lives easier. We will form squadrons and send them off to collect as many hops as can be found. Once the teams have foraged them, we shall take them on a Holy pilgrimage to the Canterbury Cathedral, where they shall be blessed by the Archbishop himself. Once blessed, we will deliver the hops to all in the city and in one great unison ritual, we shall cast them down to the ground. With God on our side we shall send the virus back from whence it came. Actually, that’s not such a great idea, that would mean sending it back to China, and we don’t want another outbreak, better reword that… Nay, we will destroy it!

Society is falling into the dregs again. We can’t socialise, there is no entertainment, the arts and culture are dying a painful death. It is simply too much! When these restrictions have been lifted, we call upon the powers that be to give us the freshers we never had! However, in the meantime the DoS aims to solve this through a gigantic festival dedicated to Apollo which will flow through the streets of Canterbury. If it brought great health to the Greeks, it’ll bring great health to us. We will hear music, laughter, cheers and tears of joy emanate through the city as we bring entertainment back into the world. Our health, wealth and culture returned during this amazing two week long festivity. Purchase tickets from the DoS office now! (Also the whole thing is socially distanced and we aren’t responsible for the chaos.)

In terms of practical economic solutions, we will restore your favourite shops back to normal using our astounding recovery plan. We will replace the pound with virtual game currency that is easily accessible to all. This currency will be distributed to business owners so they can reopen your favourite haberdasheries and coffee shops. Minecraft diamonds and other gemstones seem to be the favourites at the moment since they are self replenishing. Rodriguez (the intern) has suggested that this will cause something called “inflation” and that “we can’t promise any of these silly things to people” but we try to ignore them and their negativity.

If none of the above work in stopping the virus and restoring our lives to how they were then more drastic actions must be taken. Sometimes in life we are forced to make difficult decisions for the good of the species. If all else fails we must do the unspeakable… we must sacrifice a small robotic child, or one of those damn Furby things to the old Gods. As the clock strikes midnight on the eve of a full moon, we must make an offering to the gods on the hill near the Cathedral. Then, and only then I fear, will our prayers be answered. DISCLAIMER: no children will be harmed or killed in this sacrifice.

Finally, our boldest plan (if the robotic child sacrifice, the blessing of hops, or the festival to Apollo is not enough) is simply extraordinary. We will abolish all tuition fees and fund education via increased taxation. We will simply outlaw billionaires and tax them properly in order to get the funds needed to support higher education. This is probably the news you were waiting for and we’ve done it.

Now, I know that you are probably thinking “wow, this is too good to be true”... and it is. All of our promises will only work if every student on Medway Campus (if they actually exist) likes, shares, comments, and subscribes to our social media. If not, everything will stay the same and you will have bad luck for ten years (Medway, we’re counting on you!).

So students of Medway, we have never seen you, we have never spoken to you, and yes, your dad works for my dad, but now we look to you in the darkest of times… you are our only hope.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.