Government Man can't survive on Top five percent wage

By Department of Satire

Famous comedy man, Alexander Johnson has recently said that he is unable to survive on £150k a year which is interesting since that falls into the top 5% of income in the UK. As a man who has consistently fallen upwards through sheer incompetence and ineptitude, he is quite distressed that he can no longer earn the big bucks. Johnson went from earning £23k a month with a cushy Fleet Street job to running the country and the paycut has hit him oh so dearly.

The mastermind behind destroying the UK's international standing and economy apparently plans to resign in Spring 2021 after realising he can't live his lavish lifestyle on only "£150,000" while child poverty in the UK rises. People have pointed out that he needs to send his youngest child (of which Wikipedia says he has "at least 6") to Eton and that costs a whopping £42k a year. But in all honesty, you won't see any average John or Jenny living paycheque to paycheque shedding a tear about that.

Honestly though, if he can't be PM then he shouldn't have bothered. From failing to pay for free meals for children to being unable to negotiate trade deals to stopping a dangerous disease, this man has blundered his way through it all. Meanwhile, his supporters are raucously cheering "hallelujah" as he metaphorically defecates a mountain of failure on them from high heaven. The so-called modern day Churchill failed to lead as PM for the good times and bad times although I personally think we've only had bad times since 1951. If the verbal spankings from Daddy Keir at PMQs wasn't enough masochism for him then he must believe living like a pauper on only £150k probably is.

I decided to ask the common person what they thought of this and got a variety of responses. One man from Whitstable said that he "didn't care" as he had voted for Johnson to "sort out Brexit" and the "undesirables" but then got a text message from the bank saying he was about to default on his mortgage. He promptly ran away without a word. A working mother from the suburbs of Canterbury said that Johnson had "failed everyone" but that "he was trying his best in the midst of an unprecedented pandemic" but said she would vote Lib Dem like she's always done. Finally, one university student from Kent said that they had "no sympathy" and that the rich should be "eaten and turned into a nice broth" for everyone to share. When asked for who they would vote for in the next elections, they said the Greens for the next Bundestag.

Overall, it just goes to show you that everything is a mess, and I can't offer you anything besides what you can see with your own eyes. Good luck to everyone because I think we'll all need it.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.