50 year odyssey out of Rutherford

By Rory Bathgate

Shock was felt by all on campus this week at the discovery of a rogue band of students who had been wandering the halls of Rutherford since 1967. The students, who had arranged themselves into a rough hierarchical structure, had been living for over half a century on open-day buffet leftovers. Upon being led out of the college by rescuers, the students expressed shock and amazement at the advancement of the architecture on campus in their absence, and asked whether Templeman Library had finally "acquired a computer."

This is not the first such occurrence on campus, though it does mark the longest recorded period that a group has been unable to find their way out of the winding halls of Rutherford. In 1987, theoretical physics students began research on the staircases leading to and from the Cloister Rooms but were abruptly served a cease and desist notice by then College Master, Roland Bertram. “It doesn’t concern me that whatever staircase you walk down, you still seem to come out on the opposite side of the courtyard to the room you need to be in,” Roland stated at the time, “as most students eventually end up where they need to be.”

The leader of the group told InQuire that they had at one point come into contact with the Newspaper Editor of this paper’s former incarnation InCant, and broached the possibility of an interview. However, the clamour around the 1969 moon landing prevented the interview from taking place.

The group claims that from time to time they would run into other students, but that they would invariably mistake the bearded wanderers for Humanities professors. “And besides,” they added, “as second years, we couldn’t possibly let Freshers know that we were also lost.”

The group, who had given up hope of rescue sometime in the 1990s, were recently emboldened to resume their escape efforts after feeling wind and rain on their faces for the first time in decades as a result of last year’s Rutherford roof collapse. “It was truly a sight to behold” said one of the beleaguered students, “until that point we had quite forgotten how sunlight felt, and had taken to using the safelights in the photography darkrooms as the next best thing.”

Kent Estates were quick to issue a statement on the matter, reminding students and staff alike that “despite our best efforts, Rutherford College is extremely difficult terrain to map.” The spokesperson went on to add that ample disclaimers have been given for the potential risks of navigating Rutherford, such as the “pictographic warning in the shape of a labyrinth” next to Eliot Footpath.