Initial Committee Review

By Tahmid Morshed

With the p*ndemic ruining every society, InQuire has somehow managed to survive. Okay, not really “somehow”, it'd look awful if KU defunded the student newspaper. Not saying that they would, but many societies struggled in 2020 as it is - so a budget slash would have been a right kick in the bollocks! Just to clarify, I understand this review is sort of like a bad rerun of Never Mind the Buzzcocks. There’s some kind of buzz, but no one is really a cock. So, it’s a bit hard honestly. This lot are pretty difficult to lampoon straight off the bat.

Through last year’s Great Difficulties and the Budget Wars of 2020, there have been victors from the ashes. Like how Zeus threw Prometheus off a second-floor Pizza Hut, this mostly tired, motley team have thrown down against the ills of uselessness and incompetence. Only time will tell if they are wise enough to survive the year without being branded pillocks.

With that in mind, I’ve committed myself to write the most inconspicuous opinion section reject review piece to put the great committee in non-eco-friendly halogen light. Anyways, here’s the 200% objective look into who runs the society so you can be better informed on it. Why? If I don’t reach targets, they are literally going to scrap the Department of Satire (DoS). Or even worse, replace me.

Editor in Chief

Firstly, we must start our detailed analysis with the head honcho Tarini Tiwari. Tarini is sort of like the didi of the group. If you don’t know what that means then you are uncultured and bigoted. There’s so much to say about the editor in chief but I will say none of it. Tarini, like the rest of the group, is not laconic but simply iconic.

Since taking over, they have promised to restore InQuire to its former glory. Gone are the days of malaise, today we take two steps forward. At least in terms of functional middle management, working at InQuire has been smooth sailings. Things get done and no one has major complaints. People aren’t warring and no one is accusing Tarini of starting on Catherine and the Magical Milksops yet. Good job boss.

However, there’s another side to this coin. Despite the title, Tarini-ji doesn’t seem to do a lot of editing which is suspicious. There’s greater interest in making puns and stopping weddings than writing the news. Tarini also seems pretty upbeat but with an emphasis on beat. What does that mean? I don’t know, but I really don’t want to find out. But other than that, seems like a decent person.

Catchphrase: तिवारी सरकार बकवास बंद करने वालों के लिए Rs 10,000 का वादा करती है।

Translation: The Tiwari administration promises Rs 10,000 for those who stop the bakvaas (nonsense).

Web Editor

So here we have Jake Yates Hart, the resident website editor. This role means that Jake essentially runs a nicer version of the New Statesman. As a smooth operator, Jake runs the website using great precision and a resolve forged out of titanium. It kind of has to be this way since everything breaks down every other week.

Using the power of wizardry and competence, the website is kept to editorially sound high standards. Like how good gochugaru is important to gochujang, Jake is very important to the committee dynamic. How? Yes. As the bubbliest one of the lot, Jake seems to be a pleasant person. You’ll be thinking “ah, what a group of people” on the sprint back from the Monday Meetings.

Here’s a fun story about Jake. I loosely remember when I accidentally walked into an occult ritual in the meeting room. The committee was either stopping or summoning a demon. It was kind of unclear since loose newspapers were flying around, and the lights flickered a lot. A lot of foreign languages were chanted. Jake took me aside and assured me that it was all above board and that the union had allowed this. Then the ritual stopped, and the room returned to normal. Pretty cool right?

Being a newspaper veteran, Jake seems to have good taste in telly and half-decent life advice so that’s a positive. Also all my work is waved through because Jake is simply just amazing and thinks I’m a true satirist. Also, Jake’s my boss and it’s supposedly the job or something. But I’m pretty sure it’s the first one though. If not then no harm, I write bobbins anyway.

Catchphrase: Hiya!

Newspaper Editor

OI OI OI, IT’S THE RESIDENT REVOLUTIONARY, ALEX CHARILAOU.

Alex does the difficult job of making a tangible entity called the InQuire newspaper. By using the powers granted by KU, they rend recycled pulp into something worth reading for 10 minutes through serious dark magic. Just to clarify though, I’ve never heard of this “newspaper” thing, but they are conveniently available around campus so remember to grab one. Anyway, it’s difficult to satirise the job any further so I’ll just say Alex seems competent and be done with that.

Overall, Comrade Charilaou seems like a solid person. With the vast knowledge of… literature, the self-proclaimed “empty head, no thoughts” man does have thoughts on things. But they seem to be thoughts about disrupting neoliberalism and fascism more than anything. While people named Keith and Alexander probably irritate the living daylights out of them, CEO Charilaou manages to keep their head screwed on relatively straight.

Colonel Charilaou is a contender for shooting dissidents jumping the tolerance line. Rivalled only by the likes of Teamleader Tarini, people trying to sprint across Checkpoint Cuckolder should remain vigilant. You better watch out if you don’t want to end up on the hit list. Jokes aside, Alex calls out the system and its inadequacies better than any satirist could. Especially in an age where irony is dead. Bravo. Maybe Alex should replace me. Just kidding, I’m already out of a job. Also, Captain Charilaou once led a dinosaur around a Londis with a leash. Pretty cool.

Catchphrase: Max Weber is not based.

Head of Photography and Design

Ainy Shiyam is an interesting one. Being the head of creative stuff means Ainy’s remit is cool pictures. However, that’s not all there is to Ainy. There’s some stuff about law school and sarcasm too. Overall, a nice person who’s competent at their job. Anyway, it’s storytime. This one is sourced from somewhere in the filing cabinets.

So back in the 1970s, life was very different. Soft drinks came in glass bottles. The music was pretty good. People were less aloof. Dire economy. All fun stuff. So one day, Ainy used the University of Kent time machine to go back to 1979. They had to find a crucial McGuffin device. While looking for it, they came across a Lamborghini Countach. Before they knew it, an RPG destroyed it. As the smouldering wreck burned, Ainy noticed noises in the distance.

At the other end was Comrade Charilaou holding the RPG launcher. Donning camo, a red bandana, and aviators, Comrade Charilaou was elated. “I’ve defeated Catherine’s cronies!” they screamed. With the comrade were the rest of the gang. The gang too were all dancing and screaming about vanquishing Catherine and the devious Milksops. Anyhow, this devolved into a 100-minute action-adventure, comedy journey. Get your tickets now. Only at the Gulbenkian.

Catchphrase: Oh really?

Head of Events and Media

Here’s a completely true story about Grace Bishop from an unnamed source. Remember when campus used to be active? So, there was a protest where a bunch of nutcases were taking a stand against the UCU stand. This was during the strike era, so it wasn’t out of the blue. Grace was coming back from the library when they saw a protest group lounging about. Thinking nothing of it, Grace continued. There was a new TOWIE episode to watch.

However, five steps in, one protest member had taken a comically small horse (not a pony) hostage. The comically small horse was held at knifepoint. Things were tense. So Grace went back and boxed the living daylights out of all the protestors. In the process, Grace saved the horse. According to the unnamed source, the protestors never stood a chance. Grace is an MMA professional like KSI. If you don’t believe this story then go look up ‘small horse in Kent’. You’ll find a picture of the event. I promise.

Anyway, If I had to think of a way to describe Grace then I would say German Techno. If you asked Grace then it’d be something about exhaustion. Does decent events. Generally seems like a nice person. Yeah, that’s about it.

Catchphrase: [doesn’t have time for catchphrases]

Head of Technology

Johnathan Guy is a fascinating fellow. Having mastered the dark arts of technology, dear old Johnathan is the tech guy. They fix the computer stuff and write about it too. Mr Tech spends time being ‘synergised’ to promote effective management of technical needs while maintaining focus on InQuire’s KPIs. As a self-described “value-focused team player”, everything is made to run like clockwork.

Don’t ask me what that means. All I know is that I see Johnathan typing away at something in the SMC. Sometimes, the committee sings praises when another major cock-up is averted. Also, there’s something about breaking an arm trying to get off a stationary bike. I don’t quite know what this could signify. Honestly, I would write more but Johnathan did such a good job of satire that you can just read it here. Thanks for saving the day once again Guy.

Catchphrase: [sighs]

RON

Good old RON, the nominee who should’ve won supreme leader of the proletariat. RON is the most important member of the team (in our hearts) but never seems to win. One day, one day.

Catchphrase: I’m the best candidate for the job.

Final Thoughts

Yes. You did lose time reading this. No, you can’t have that time back. If you want a refund then go to the executive committee, I’m sure they’ll work something out with you. If not then, oh well, tough luck.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.