Kent Kiwami: New Horizons

By Department of Satire

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF KIWAMI!

Due to an influx of capital, the University of Kent has been rebranded to the University of Kent Kiwami.

What does this mean?

Kiwami (極み) (kee-wa-mee), adjective, describes the peak or top of something.

As rumour has it, all of your favourite university experiences will be filtered into one grand experience. Gone is the rubbish like boring lectures and useless research. In is the epic new buildings and increased spending on cool projects.

GIF from GIPHY

Chem, Notorious BRG, and TTR have been moved onto campus while Freedman, Cornwallis, and Kennedy have been sent to Hales Place to make room. Co-op has become Essentials again and only stocks energy drinks and ready meals. Templeman Library is now Tadano Seiikijin Library. InQuire is now EnQuire. The rule is that there is only anarchy (within sensible limits such as the law). Water fountains have been replaced and now dispense coffee instead!

New University, New Education, New Management.

This brand-new initiative is the brainchild of the new owners of the university. The Taisho Industrial & Technical Services conglomerate has bought the UoK and has decided to improve it. Ren Taisho, the current CEO, said at a press conference in the library foyer that the “era of blandness is over” and that Kent Kiwami had to “modernise”.

Taisho also announced that the executive had all been “relieved of duties” and administration had been moved to somewhere in the Keihanshin metro or Northern California.

It was unclear how moving management to the other side of the world would work but Taisho said, “all would be revealed in due time”. When questioned by EnQuire about this sudden change, Taisho said she was inspired by “life”. When questioned for further elaboration, Taisho pointed at the sky to distract reporters and ran away to her limousine leaving everyone stunned.

Some DoS correspondents decided to ask random students and staff what they thought on the matter. One anonymous student spoke to us about their new side-hustle in Parkwood. They had started an entire casino that only gambles chocolate. “Yeah, with the shortages, I found a way to have fun and control the entire chocolate market on campus,” said the student, “it’s pretty crazy.”

The student said “high-profile” people had shown up to gamble chocolate including certain politicians, authors, and former executive members who were not named. It seems that Kent Kiwami has encouraged criminal enterprise on campus to levels unseen.

Another student, Oladele Akeju, said that the rate of food going missing from her fridge had increased exponentially. “This wasn’t a problem before but this ‘Kiwami’ thing has emboldened the worst tendencies in the student body,” said Akeju. “I’ve also had my chocolate mysteriously disappear from my cupboard more often for some reason.” Akeju is a Psychology masters student who found her experience at Kent ruined by this whole ordeal.

“It’s savagery that I’d only expect to see in places like CCCU or elsewhere, it’s very ridiculous!” said Akeju before her friend texted her to say that their food had been stolen again.

Our correspondents also interviewed Dr Phillip Haas, an esteemed chemistry professor. Dr Haas felt that the Kiwami experiment had given him more freedom than before. “I always wondered how I could push the boundaries of science and this rebranding has allowed it,” said Haas, “it’s allowed me to pursue science outside of standard ethical and moral norms.”

Haas showed us his research and implied he was creating a serum that could “reverse time” for anyone who took it. It is unclear if this was a hallucinogenic drug or an anti-ageing. Our correspondents didn’t stick around long enough to find out. Shortly after, social media videos showed Dr Haas and colleagues dancing to Belgian synth-pop flash-mob style in the labs.

This rebranding affair has been confusing for everyone. Old rules are gone with new rules rising in place. The law of the jungle rules Kent (more) now. The DoS tried to contact Kent Union for a comment, but Kent Union has literally disappeared. There is an empty plot where the Mandela building used to be. A representative of Taisho corporation ominously said, “do not ask questions for which you do not truly want the answers to.”

This begs the question, what does the future have in store for everyone at Kent Kiwami?

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.