Monthly Horoscope

By Tom George

Photo by Pexels

Want to know what the stars say? Have a look.

Aries - March 21st - April 19th

Life may beat you down. But you’d be lucky for it to grant you death, you dog.

Taurus - April 20th - May 20th

Animals may take a particular affection to you this month. But god knows that I don’t.

Gemini - May 21st - June 20th

Ask yourself, why have you allowed yourself to go down this path? Where are you heading on this journey? Use Google Maps or you will fail your Bronze Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Cancer - June 21st - July 22nd

It’s time to get rid of the negative energy. Clean your home, be rid of the washing in the sink. Be rid of the clothes in the washer. Be rid of the corpse under the floorboards. You can’t blame the smell on the bad chilli for much longer.

Leo - July 23rd - August 22nd

Your schedule may look busy this month, but it’s important that you dedicate time to things that matter to you: 3 hours per week of handjob practice.

Virgo - August 23rd - September 22nd

You have been struck by love this month. By everyone around you. There is too much love. Flee.

Libra - September 23rd - October 22nd

It's fine to fantasize about all the choices out there, but don't commit to anything today. Your imagination and spirit are a bit too high to settle on anything in particular. Just enjoy all the choices for now. But don’t tell your girlfriend we told you that.

Scorpio - October 23rd - November 21st

This would be a good day to pursue some new interests. Emily has had enough. Stop asking her.

Sagittarius - November 22nd - December 21st

Are frustrations running high? Are the people around you unbearably annoying? Here’s some good news for you. You’re pissing them off just as much.

Capricorn - December 22nd - January 19th

You may feel some cabin fever this month. If you have the urge to go off by yourself for a while, do so. Try a new diversion. Drive down a country road you've never explored. Keep driving. Sod off.

Aquarius - January 20th - February 18th

If you're feeling restless today, don't fight it. Use your energy to do something physical. Murder a prostitute and blame a trucker.

Pisces - February 19th - March 20th

Today you may have come down from your recent high with a brutal thud. Your dealer must be selling you some stepped on product. Try Jimbo on Spring Lane.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.