State of Affairs: 2021

By Tahmid Morshed

It’s basically over. 2021 has gone by like a flash in a pan. Is it a relief? Who knows? Now is an apt time to look back at everything and see what happened. Here are a group of topics and some expert thoughts to go with them.

The Beginning?

We started 2021 off with mild dissatisfaction. The first few months were a continuation of the previous year. Nonstop news about the issue that shall not be named. Probably for good reason. There wasn’t much else going on. No forest fires in Australia or scary detergent consumption trends this time. Then spring and summer happened. That’s when things got interesting.

We started to get back into the swing of things. The return of music, hyperinflation, the fall of Rome, and etcetera. Now we’re in winter and NASA is saying a meteor strike might wipe out the South Pole. Honestly, if someone told me that Dumas was revived and telling everyone D’Artagnan was actually a notorious cryptocurrency fraudster then it would be the cherry on top.

Was there any fun?

Fun existed. Our favourite sources of entertainment were still active. Yeah, surprise isn’t it? Someone painted a massive mural somewhere in South Canterbury. Small Nasir released some songs. Time Warner released cool television and films. Fashion went a bit crazy. If you want a more comprehensive understanding of fun then read ‘The Fall of Atlas’ by Harvey Blazquez and Mingo Sanz. It’s a 250,000-word book on how some people fell from the graces of destiny. There’s action, philosophy, and uncontrolled levels of emotion. I only read the first chapter, but it’s still genius. Go buy it from Blackwell’s, only £9.99. Literally the most affordable book there.

Do this or don’t

So were you wondering if you could live life on the edge? The answer is no. Forget whatever you read in those substandard lifestyle magazines. You can’t drink carambola and kale milkshakes to bring back your joie de vivre. Calisthenics won’t make whoever you want jealous. There’s no sash proclaiming you “monarch of the universe” and there’s nothing you can do about it. Ulrich Mayr once wrote a story about this situation.

Admiral Saylor: So where are we?

Sailor: Somewhere on the Atlantic seaboard, sir.

Admiral Saylor: How do we get back to old Blighty?

Sailor: Take a right and another one from Le Havre.

Life is like a pizza. Reality is the base, philosophy is the sauce, and being decked by the ghost of an unearthly abomination is the cheese. This tale is why you should be careful. You might end up in Rennes and find that the Intermarché is closed. Now where are you going to find your packaged fish for your stale bread? Lidl? Get out of here.

Ruminations

Society has shifted to ersatz relationships that parody any major anthropological or sociological work from the 70s. Okay, hippies say this often, but I have a point. I promise. Humanity seems to be shifting to a quixotic way of handling things. This year has put a massive spanner in the works. Remember when you’d do a thing and then you know how it would be? But now you don’t know how it would be. It’s a right mess.

Can’t really sit down without the full force of impermanence hitting you like a ton of bricks. It’s like walking into the scorching sun with factor -50 sunscreen. Sonora called and it wants the sepia filter back! That mysterious figure in the side-lines is yelling “go get ‘em!”. Get what? New yoga mats? But you already have them… In general, you no idea what is going on. Go beyond the mountains? No, you won’t find the answer to life. It’s not 42.

Sport

I don’t know anything about sport. Did Mercedes win F1 again? Who won the Euro 2020 cup? Who cares?

Closing Thoughts

Falling so far off the mark, it’s been an uneventful year. It’s better than the previous year though. Don’t take that for granted, December hasn’t happened yet. As Cogent Clarence would say, it’s been a mixed bag. If you had to summarise everything then I still couldn’t tell you. It’s like an undulating blur. At one point you may have seen someone call you a gormless cockwomble in your dreams. It wasn’t a dream; it was your enigmatic relative from far away. They’ve borrowed your favourite baking tray again. Guess who’s not getting a card this year. Congratulations and have a happy new year.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.