Weekly Advice #2

By Department of Satire

Welcome to this week’s spiritual advice section courtesy of the Department of Satire. This week, we spun horoscope off due to the spiritual guidance team going hiking in the middle of nowhere. Hopefully, they don’t come back but I think they have 5G in the forests over there.

As always, we should mention what we have going on. First of all, nothing. Okay, cool. On to the article!

Horoscopes

We have horoscopes. The authorities have lifted the ban, but we don’t know for how long. You can find them here.

Advice

This week is mainly about incoming seasonal change. With Thierry Neuville winning the recent FIA WRC race in Spain, the world has changed drastically. You can’t engage in silly esoteric rituals anymore. You have to grow up and eat the avocado toast now. Yes, it tastes like green, and the sourdough slice feels like mush, but it simply has to be done.

In a change from last time, here are some short pieces sent in by our readers.

The DoS receives regular letters from readers, so some thematically relevant ones were put in. Some of these will revolutionise your life. One letter changed the spiritual guidance team’s life so much they all went hiking. Hopefully, they find another that convinces them to stay and never come back.

Train Journey

Somewhere in the eighties, a person was riding on the Tokaido Shinkansen to Tokyo from Osaka. Their boss had bought them a brand new Hikari line ticket since it was supposedly much faster than the regular ones. Why? They had to close a massive deal for their firm. It was the finance deals to end all finance deals.

Since the journey was still relatively long, this person decided to take a nap. Tiring nights of closing deals and excess paperwork. Makes sense right? After waking up and walking out of the station, they picked up a newspaper from a kiosk. It’s good to be cultured.

“ECONOMY IN SHAMBLES” it spelled.

The Bank of Japan had raised the monetary discount rate the day before. Insane. You see, doing so had meant that the economy was effectively on the path to ruin. There could only be pandemonium from now on. Being an employee of the prestigious Osaka Metropolitan Finance Group, they had shown up to strike a deal that was dead on arrival now.

With the economy on its path to implosion, the whole journey was pointless. They would have to bring news of the inevitable failure only to be canned two weeks later for 'unrelated' reasons. Going back was futile. So they did the only thing that a person could do. Change.

While wandering aimlessly around Chiyoda, they contemplated. Life, reality, truth. The sky was dull, clouds were diffused. They stopped. Looked up. Drops of rain rolled off their face. It was keiu. Welcome rain.

“What is the point?” they pondered.

And then lightning struck. Literally. A streetlamp fell. Amidst the havoc, there was a stillness in them. Panicked commuters ran scrambling.

“They’re running but not me. Why?” they said.

And then it became obvious.

So what happened next? They got on the first train to Minato, stared at Tokyo Bay, and then took the first flight out of Japan. Set up shop in San Francisco and got to work. That was nearly 32 years ago. That person invented the Ibaraki no Shinjitsu program that earned millions from thousands of stressed tech executives from the Bay Area. What does it do? I don’t quite know.

But you should get in on it. Look it up. Your life will change.

From Keiji Ibaraki, 23, Former UoK Sociology Student

Toaster Gaming

So a while back, I bought a £3 toaster from an electronics recycling shop because my old one stopped working. It worked fine as a toaster, but I wasn’t satisfied with it. So, I decided to mod it to make a gaming device. Initially, I impressed my flatmates by playing some simple games on it, but it wasn’t enough.

So I hooked the toaster up to the main powerline so I could play Crysis. But it wasn’t enough. So I went to the university and hooked it up to a lab. Theoretically, I could run Flight Simulator. Needless to say, it did not go well. I took the power out for the entirety of Canterbury. So I went on the run after that. I’m currently hidden somewhere in the country.

It’s been 132 days and Gavin Esler supposedly wants my head. Apparently, I ruined some big event by taking out the power. Now I see Esler’s face in my dreams with the whole executive team chanting esoteric prayers while my body is exorcised for committing such a grave transgression. If only they paid more for the leccy.

From Ember Elffire, 25, UoK PhD Student

Epic Prankster

I’ll make this short. I wanted to be a movie star when I grew up but sadly I was blessed with being more untalented than a block of wood. After coming to uni, I decided to be a KentRok star instead. KentRok is the new alternative social media where people can post short-form videos.

After posting an innocent review video as a joke, I soon gained thousands of followers and likes. It was a dream come true. All of the UK’s greatest businesses were at my door to help me promote things to students. It also became a nice side hustle for extra cash. I can now pay rent for a whole studio in the city centre. KentRok rocks.

From Katherine Cookson, 19, UoK Medicine Student

So, that’s all. We hope you learned something from these stories. Until the next time.

Editorial Note: This stuff is all in the spirit of the spiritual guidance team. Live your life wisely.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.