Weekly Horoscope & Advice #1

By Department of Satire

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.

Welcome to this week’s horoscope and spiritual advice section courtesy of us, the InQuire Department of Satire. Here, we aim to give you advice and horoscope readings from our very accurate spiritual team. It was basically the one of the few things we could save in the great Budget Wars of 2020. That and a lot of tickets to the festival we tried to run last year. Kind of surprised that no one has been fired over that.

Horoscopes

Sorry, we have been censured by the authorities so there will be no horoscopes any time soon.

Advice

No censures here so we can offer advice. The DoS spiritual team has been working overtime to make sure that you have the best advice available. Our secret method is that our intern Rafe St Torquil III stares at the tea leaves at the bottom of his flatmate’s mug after they finish their cuppa. Then he writes all of this. Totally scientific and accurate 47.3% of the time. The rest is statistical noise obviously.

Advice #1: Go on a skiing holiday to Austria

Life has been up and down, so you need to relax. What better way than a spot of skiing? You’ll be experiencing fresh mountain air combined with a nice jolt of adrenaline. Make sure you go visit the alps at the correct time of the year. Last year, Sholty and his crew showed up in June and flew a helicopter on autopilot into a river (no one was hurt). My parents said they wouldn’t pay for me to meet Sholty in Rome after that.

Advice #2: Take a relaxation course

Sometimes, you just need someone to tell you how to relax. It’s all well and good if someone suggests an activity but sometimes it’s not really doable. Therefore, taking a relaxation course is a good alternative if you’re low on time and rest. There was a yoga place in Orange County that Rupert went to but Sholty showed up and had the place shut down after throwing a rave there. My parents didn’t let me go so I had to go look at fields in Southern France that weekend.

Advice #3: Avocado Toast

This seems a bit cliché but just keep reading. There are scientific benefits to eating avocado. I don’t quite know what they are, but they’ll probably help you be more productive. Also Sholty’s uncle bought an avocado farm and told me that I could use his holiday house in Malaysia if I shouted it out. So that’s that.

That is all. Thank you so much for reading this and becoming enlightened. We’ll try to be back next week, but Sholty seems to be getting on Rafe’s parents’ nerves, so it depends.

Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly. Again.