Why I stole Christmas

By The Grinch

GIF by GIPHY

Well, isn’t it obvious? Aren’t you flabbergasted by the fake family festivities that we must be submerged in, once a year? The absolute epitome of over-indulgence, wrapped up in a flaky sense of cheer that peels away at the slightest scratch. Sure, it helps us to smite the cold that we feel biting at conscience and calluses. It encourages us to rise above the evil of winter that bites at our toes. But would we not feel better if we were not standing on our toes in the first place? Attempting to rise above the very nature of ourselves that we ignore, through summer and winter?

Sure, let’s pretend for that one month; for that one day – that we love one another. That we care for weird uncle Rob – even though he touched us in an un-tantalising way before the age of ten. That we love Nana and Grandad – although they are the real reason our parents are ruthlessly unloving towards us. That Mother didn’t go through post-natal depression, and only decided to stop neglecting us because some c*nt with a psychology degree told her to. That Dad is a fucking alcoholic who, from a young age, ruined our sense of masculinity by sobbing and sipping at his bottle of Christmas joy. Lockdown was the best thing that ever happened to Christmas.

Yes - I stole Christmas that one time. And you all moaned and fussed, as if the PS5 had gone out of stock again for the umpteenth time. You groaned and grovelled for me to give it back, grieving over your lost presents that Father Fatmas brought you for being oh-so malevolent.

But you should have thanked me.

If you need the season to be the reason you give someone you value a valent offering – you have lost sight of the spirt of sharing in the first place. Why wait for the winter solstice, or the birthday of some bastard born 2000 years ago. Value you the ones around you – let them surround you. And if that’s not possible - DM them! Tell them they are profound to you. Don’t let capitalism ground you, for this celebration is just another way they are seeking to financially bound you!

“Oh great - the Grinch is a bitter Marxist now – typical” – I hear you say as you break your bank account spoiling your children with needless splendours for good deeds they contrived when the brats noticed December on the horizon. That’s the point! It’s all so fucking fake! This counterfeit cry of joy we call out for one day a year, while the other chunky daddy in 10 Downing Street dismantles our god given rights for the remaining 364 days a year. All I’m saying is, I’ll happily take out Santa Clause. Shoot him right out the sky with a 360 no-scope with my Intervention. He deserves it – why does he always give the richer kids better presents, even though they seem to get more obnoxious with wealth?

The offer's there anyhow. Season’s greetings to all you cult-ey, Christmas c*nts

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Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.